Poetry Corny, er, Corner

Three weeks? Well, the intent was to be more prolific than this, but at this point, it's the best I can do. It's a shame, too, because I've been inundated with techie work stuff, and I'm feeling the need even more to explore my more esoteric side. But, it's just not meant to be at the moment. Once I do, I'll post thoughts & feelings here.

In the meantime, I gift you, my audience (all one of you following, whee!) with this gem I unearthed while bringing order to the mounds of paperwork I call my desk. It's a poem I wrote back in 1990. I was in college, and just coming out and coming to terms with all that meant. It was a very bleak time. I was in a dark and scary place mentally and wanted to express it. But, of course, being me, I couldn't just write free verse or something simple. Oh, heavens no! I was all educated and stuff. So nothing less than a full-blown sonnet would do. Because even when trying to express pure emotion, I need some framework and structure to build upon. So, here 'tis. Enjoy.

Deception

 I slip through life, obscured by subtle lies
Which I have woven 'round me as a shield.
The truth of me no other man espies;
My thoughts and motives e'er have been concealed.

No other soul has breached the lofty walls
Which seal emotion in me as a tomb.
Many are those whom my façade enthralls;
I use them--they are threads upon my loom.

No conscience sways me in the cruel game
In which, as pawns, I move all other men.
Pity moves me not; I feel no shame.
Each step I take makes me deceive again.

Yet all throughout this sport of cunning stealth
I always feel the victim is myself.

The Journey Begins

So, here I am. I've made half-hearted attempts at blogs before, and they have always seemed to peter out after a bit. I would feel like I was over-sharing and then stop posting, and then feel guilty for not posting, and then just abandon the whole thing as a bad idea. But I'm still drawn to the concept of putting myself out there. So, here I go again.

Part of the goal here is to achieve a little bit of self-discovery. I've recently come to the conclusion that something fundamental is missing in my life. I have the long-term relationship, the house, the car, the cat, the job, the friends. But something isn't there. There's a vacant spot in my soul, and I think it's me. I'm not there anymore. I've been so focused on being what I thought I needed to be, that I lost the handle on who I am. I hope that doesn't sound as completely whacked.

Lately I've been connecting, through the glories of Facebook, with people from high school and college that I had lost contact with. And a trend started to emerge. A lot of the folks I know on there are churchy. And they are vocal about their churchiness. At first this freaked me out, but then I realized I'm completely okay with it. They seem to draw great solace and strength from their beliefs and their spiritual community. It's made me start to think that what I'm missing is my own spirituality. I've always felt deeply spiritual, just not Christian. I've self-labeled as pagan/wiccan for many years, but it was just a casual thing. I've never done any real ritual or organized worship along those lines. It's been solitary and personal.

I think I'm reaching the point where I need more. I need to feel a community of spirit around me. So, I'm beginning this journey. I don't know if this will fill that void. I hope so.

Verbal pee

Look, it's a new blog! I don't have time to write anything right now, but an empty blog is a sad blog. So, here is a quick marking of my territory.